Kaleidoscope

A common question that my husband always asks me is “what are you thinking?”  I can never give him a direct answer.

In the past year, the most common way that I’ve been able to describe the thoughts in my mind, is by comparing the inside of my mind to a kaleidoscope. Different patterns, a plethora of colors, and pretty much just one big unpredictable mess.

I could be happy one minute, sad the next. Pleasant one minute, angry the next.  I could be feeling positive one minute and extremely hopeless the next. This thing called grief? It is terrible. It does things to the mind and body that are just indescribable.

So, let me just discuss something that’s been weighing heavily on my mind lately (and causing a lot of kaleidoscope-ness in my brain): acceptance. Accepting that a stillborn baby is still a human life, still a baby, still a son or daughter.  THEY MATTER!

I have had a couple of experiences in the past year that have rubbed me the wrong way. I had someone tell me (and this person seemed to be well-meaning) that “back in their day and age, they didn’t even name babies that died before coming through the birth canal, no matter if they were 20 weeks or 40.” If that isn’t bad enough, it was communicated to me by a different person that they “didn’t know that stillborn babies even had funerals or were buried, since they never lived.” Excuse my language, but are you effing serious?

I didn’t flip out. I kept my cool, because: 1. I’m a pretty respectful human and 2. I feel that educating the person was more beneficial than decking them.

Wake up, people. Just wake up. We aren’t living in the 1920’s anymore. A baby who dies in their mother’s womb is not any less important than a baby who is born crying and breathing. Babies who are stillborn have heart beats. They move. They bond. They grow. Just because they stopped living before they were “born” doesn’t mean that they aren’t considered a life.

To add to that: a baby that passes away in it’s mother’s womb is not any less important than a baby is alive when exiting the womb, but that passes shortly after. Stillborn babies still deserve a proper burial. It doesn’t make them any less worthy of love and respect just because their little bodies didn’t allow them to take their first breath or cry their first cry.

This is something that haunts me: the close-mindedness that still exists in this world. I’m sure that any loss mom can agree—the grief is VERY, VERY real and losing an unborn child is something that just shakes you to the core.

I have a feeling that the kaleidoscope frame of mind is not going to go away anytime soon. It’s my job, though– as a mom, wife, and as a functioning member of society– to continue to thrive and continue to work my way out of this hole. If I can help others, I think that I will be helped as well.

It’s been suggested to me that I should continue to write blog entries. So, here you go. I am no writing genius and I will forewarn you that my posts will likely end up in me ranting or venting about something, but therapy is therapy, and such is life.

Sending hugs to all. Thank you for your continued love and support!