I’m currently pregnant with our rainbow baby and the emotions that I have felt in the past few months are just indescribable. When we got our positive test, I was beyond thrilled and even took another one the next day to be sure. Then, immediate panic set in.
Our first pregnancy after the stillbirth of our son (July 2014) was in October 2015. I, then, miscarried in November 2015 at just 6 weeks gestation. I vividly remember being in the hospital bed, miscarrying, feeling so vulnerable, and crying on a nurse’s shoulder. I remember telling her that I felt like such a failure and that I did not understand why God (or whatever higher power) would keep doing this to me and to us. I remember her crying with me. I don’t remember her name, and I so wish that I did. I was so completely unraveled that day. It was a whole different type of loss and type of grieving than what I felt with Colson. With a miscarriage, you may not have the body of the baby there with you, but you’re grieving and mourning the loss of your hopes and your dreams for that baby and that pregnancy.
At a visit just a few days later with my OB, he told us to wait 1-2 cycles, then try again. He tried to assure me that nothing was wrong with me—that sometimes these things just happen (early miscarriages) and it doesn’t mean that I did anything wrong. He was one of the doctors who spent time with me in the hospital when we had Colson, and I really like him. I listened to him and heard every word, and took it to heart. I needed to hear that when I was there— that I am not a terrible human and this is not my fault.
We waited just one cycle, tried again, and were successful. We are 18 weeks pregnant today. Things are seemingly going well. The baby’s heartbeat has been strong at 150. I’m feeling okay physically, aside from a few tummy issues and being tired, but otherwise I am doing well. Just scared and anxious.
When we found out about this pregnancy, we had a blood test ordered by my PCP who confirmed the elevated HCG levels and the pregnancy. I called my OB immediately and they gave me the whole “you can’t be seen until around 10 weeks by the PA” deal, and I demanded to talk to the PA because I knew that I could be seen sooner than that, especially with a loss history. The wonderful PA called me and ordered more labs for me. She had me get them done every 48 hours to monitor HCG levels. Once they were high enough and still increasing, she ordered an ultrasound for viability.
The ultrasound was at around 7 weeks. My nerves that day were terrible. I was so scared that we were going to get there and that they were going to say that things were empty and nothing was there, and that the pregnancy wasn’t viable. That, thankfully, wasn’t the case. Pretty much as soon as the ultrasound began, the tech pointed out a flicker on the screen. That flicker was the beating of our baby’s heart.
We waited until 12 weeks, when we heard the heartbeat on the Doppler for the first time, to tell our girls (now 7 and 8). We showed them the 7 week ultrasound picture and told them to guess what it was. Our youngest guessed that it was a rabbit, then a frog. I asked “where do you usually see pictures like this?” Our oldest immediately said “it’s a baby!” This was closely followed by our youngest saying “Ohhhhh, I get it now. It’s a BABY frog.” We laughed. We can always count on them to make us smile. The girls were both excited. They immediately both said they hoped that it was a girl so that they can dress her up. After a few minutes of conversation, they went back to playing.
After a little while, we noticed that Dianna (our oldest) had a troubled look on her face— a look of concern. I remember my husband asking her what was wrong and telling her she could always talk to him. She said she was very happy but that she didn’t want the baby to pass away like Colson did. We told her that we were going to do everything possible to make sure that wouldn’t happen. We also reminded her that Colson’s passing was an accident—something that doesn’t happen very often to babies. While there’s nothing that we can do to prevent these things from happening, we would make sure that we were doing everything else that we are supposed to do. She smiled again and seemed content with that response.
We are now just 1 week away from finding out the gender. Alynna (our youngest) has now switched from wanting a girl to wanting a boy. Dianna now says she just wants a “happy, healthy baby.” That’s what my husband and I want, too.
We just want to be able to bring our baby home this time instead of having to spend the day with him or her in the hospital, then say goodbye.
I’m so nervous about this ultrasound. When we had the anatomy ultrasound with Colson, I went into it all smiles – a complete innocence. The ultrasound turned out picture perfect and we had our beautiful boy for almost 18 more weeks after that, before he passed at just around 38 weeks gestation.
For this pregnancy, I’m going into the anatomy ultrasound completely nervous that the baby won’t be moving, or that something will be wrong with the baby. I know that I need to keep it together, and I will, because that’s just what I do. But on the inside, I’m beyond scared, beyond sick, and just wishing that we could fast forward time so that we could just be holding our baby already.
They say that they’ll likely deliver at 39 weeks. 21 more weeks to go. 21 more. We can do this. I can do this.